I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize