She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
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