oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
