why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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