Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
