I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
