I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
This show inspires me to have sex in space
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
