Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
