I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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