Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
