"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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