insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
