if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
