so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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