she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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