I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
