I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
