How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
