I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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