True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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