guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
