The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize