She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
