It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
