nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
