We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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