What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
