Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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