I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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