Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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