your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
