Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
