You're my little dorito
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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