i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
