he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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