He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
