final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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