k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Your cock deserves a montage
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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