idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
