I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
