I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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