I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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