I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
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