I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
