I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It's shark week go big or go home
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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