I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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