bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
dude i'm inner monologue high
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
