I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
