Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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