On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Randomize