Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
