Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
