I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
wanna go halves on a baby?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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