Need sex. Gaining weight.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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