yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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