I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
