Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
