I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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