Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
