Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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