Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I cut my penus on the lid.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Randomize