we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
