one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
