GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
