He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize