i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
