im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
