my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
