You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
