surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
